365 Days
My darling, dear, sweet handsome baby,
Exactly one year ago today, I found out I was carrying you.
I took the two tests to confirm it, but I could already sense you were there.
Baby boy, there's some things I need for you to understand. You were never, ever not wanted. Sweet baby, from the moment I saw those double pink lines, I began living for you. Even when the situation became far from what I had always envisioned, I lived for you. When I became a single mother, that was even more true. I never doubted the choice I made; for me, there was no choice. There was only you. When I realized I would be doing this parenting thing alone, rather than grow angry, bitter, or frustrated, I was thrilled. That meant I could have you all to myself. And for those 99 days, I did. You were, and still are, my baby. No one else's.
The last 365 days have been a mess of emotions. It began with tears of joy, when I read the positive pregnancy test and sent the text message, and now, precisely a year later, there are tears of a different kind. Tears of a greater sadness and deeper despair than I have ever known.
The last two days have been especially hard. Yesterday would have been your first fourth of July. In our family, that has always been a family holiday -- with a cookout and watching fireworks from the porch or the waterfront. I had already planned our matching outfits weeks ago. And then, today, the one year anniversary of the moment your presence was confirmed. I have struggled tremendously with waking up and continuing to live while you no longer do. I am ashamed of the things I have thought, of the things I have allowed to consume my mind. My sweet boy, you would not recognize the woman I have become.
You were my strength, my reason, and without you, I am nothing. I am truly an empty vessel, and nothing will fill this void. Nothing and no one. Not another child, not time, not prayer and healing.
Those things may help, but without you there is no me. Sweet boy, I am trying so very hard to hold onto who you made me into. In 365 days, I became anew. I was transformed, at first, by the mere thought of you, and, for three and a half months, by the realization that you were looking up to me. I am trying, desperately, to continue to be your mommy but without you, I have fallen far from who I was.
Please help me, my angel, as I return to someone you'll be proud of. Maybe you'll look down on me from up above and tell the other angels just how proud of me you are, just like I did for you while you were here. As hard as it is, as hard as I know it will continue to be, I will try to be strong as I carry on. But please, you must carry me on your wings until I can stand on my own.
Mommy loves you, handsome baby.
Exactly one year ago today, I found out I was carrying you.
I took the two tests to confirm it, but I could already sense you were there.
Baby boy, there's some things I need for you to understand. You were never, ever not wanted. Sweet baby, from the moment I saw those double pink lines, I began living for you. Even when the situation became far from what I had always envisioned, I lived for you. When I became a single mother, that was even more true. I never doubted the choice I made; for me, there was no choice. There was only you. When I realized I would be doing this parenting thing alone, rather than grow angry, bitter, or frustrated, I was thrilled. That meant I could have you all to myself. And for those 99 days, I did. You were, and still are, my baby. No one else's.
The last 365 days have been a mess of emotions. It began with tears of joy, when I read the positive pregnancy test and sent the text message, and now, precisely a year later, there are tears of a different kind. Tears of a greater sadness and deeper despair than I have ever known.
The last two days have been especially hard. Yesterday would have been your first fourth of July. In our family, that has always been a family holiday -- with a cookout and watching fireworks from the porch or the waterfront. I had already planned our matching outfits weeks ago. And then, today, the one year anniversary of the moment your presence was confirmed. I have struggled tremendously with waking up and continuing to live while you no longer do. I am ashamed of the things I have thought, of the things I have allowed to consume my mind. My sweet boy, you would not recognize the woman I have become.
You were my strength, my reason, and without you, I am nothing. I am truly an empty vessel, and nothing will fill this void. Nothing and no one. Not another child, not time, not prayer and healing.
Those things may help, but without you there is no me. Sweet boy, I am trying so very hard to hold onto who you made me into. In 365 days, I became anew. I was transformed, at first, by the mere thought of you, and, for three and a half months, by the realization that you were looking up to me. I am trying, desperately, to continue to be your mommy but without you, I have fallen far from who I was.
Please help me, my angel, as I return to someone you'll be proud of. Maybe you'll look down on me from up above and tell the other angels just how proud of me you are, just like I did for you while you were here. As hard as it is, as hard as I know it will continue to be, I will try to be strong as I carry on. But please, you must carry me on your wings until I can stand on my own.
Mommy loves you, handsome baby.
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