Forever Carrying Camden

“Collect moments, not things.” This is a phrase I’ve heard a million times. It’s a cute caption for Instagram or a sweet sentiment to share in passing. It’s quaint. Charming. Trite. For me, it’s where I am at present. It’s hard to believe I’m anywhere at present, especially here. Goodness knows I never thought I’d be here, but I am: collecting moments. I love my life. I savor every moment. I celebrate. I enjoy. I exist. And for that, I’m grateful,. Eight years ago this month, my best friend committed suicide. I remember where I was the moment I found out (I often wonder if Joe, my Resident Assistant who was doing a standard room check at that exact second, is scarred from watching me double over on the couch, wailing as I did). It still stings my soul, some days the wound is as fresh as when I found out my name was in her note. I vividly remember straightening my hair three years later, in my first ever apartment, and falling to my knees on the bathroom floor, overwhelmed with...

Chris and I have been married for the better part of a year now (What? How is that even possible?), and that seemingly simple and straightforward question has been asked more than once. The dreaded question. The one that stings even before it's finished. You know, the when-will-you-have-kids one. To answer, I'm not sure how soon that will be, if ever. We’ve talked. I’ve cried. He’s held me and listened. We've set a tentative timeline. Despite all of this, I still continue to battle with this question daily. If you were around almost four years ago, you know how difficult and challenging my pregnancy with Camden was. Before he was conceived, I was told, by a few different doctors, that carrying my own children would be highly unlikely due to numerous conditions and complications. When I did get pregnant, I was constantly ill and spent eight months losing weight (who would have thought I'd give birth to a NINE POUND baby just two months later?). The day Cam was born,...